Being Human

Sometimes, even with your best effort, you just screw things up. That's life folks! That's part of being human. 

What am I talking about? Well, I have had some issues in the past year and half that have caused me to do some deep soul searching and stretched me to the end. You see, I blurred the line between personal and professional life with some of my colleagues. I trusted and befriended someone I shouldn't have. And it did not turn out well. I thought the friendship was mutual. It was not. I was exploited instead. As a social worker, my clients seem to think that I have a perfect life. I had one client tell me that she wished she was as "together as you are". HA! The truth is that I am human. I do stupid things. I try to make things better and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Real person.... real world. 

Unfortunately, my attempt at correcting the situation resulted in betrayal (mine), deep hurt (mine again), and a very stressed work environment. Did I handle this with grace? Did I say the correct "social workey" thing to make it right? Not exactly. I spent an afternoon in my office sobbing... and many off duty hours as well. I struggled with my emotions. I became angry at my colleague and at myself.... Hooo boy! Was I ever angry! Why couldn't I just suck it up? Why did I have to cry everytime I thought about the situation? Wasn't I strong enough? Answer... sometimes you just need to cry and feel pain. That's how you get over things. And sometimes you have to get angry! And, although there were others who didn't understand and even thought there was something wrong with me, I know that I handled the hurt and subsequent loss of a significant relationship the best way I could have!

I spent a great deal of time questioning myself... questioning my decisions, who I could or could not trust, my career... and yes, even my sanity. It was not a good place to be. I was targeted by some at work and things I said, ended up getting twisted around. It felt like I was suddenly in a majorly dysfunctional family... my work family that is. I felt abused and powerless. And then one day I said to myself, "I'm not going to take this anymore!" I had done nothing wrong, except befriend the wrong person. I didn't owe anyone an explanation for my life, choices, or feelings! I was done being the victim. 

In the end I have had to move on from that place and those people. But, there was something significant in that entire chunk of my life. First, I stayed at a place where it was uncomfortable and faced my fears. Fears that others were talking about me behind my back (they were). Fears that they thought I was a bit crazy (I might have been!). Fears that if others knew the real me, all of the subtle nuances that make me... well, me, they couldn't possibly like me!  And if they didn't like me, then it meant that I was somehow not a good enough person. But, guess what. I stayed and faced the people causing me pain. I stayed and redirected my energy into my work. Some thought I was a bit crazy. Some didn't like me anymore. But, that didn't destroy me like I thought it would. Yes, it was hard. But, it was also a learning experience. I learned that I didn't have to rely on others to determine my sense of worth. I learned that sometimes relationships don't go as we would like them to. I learned to trust myself and my own decisions. I learned that others are also unsure, despite the fact that they come off differently. I learned that people are people... nothing more. Nothing less. 

I have become more self-assured and more loving towards myself than I was. Sure, I still want to live a perfect life... I want to be liked. I want to come across as competent. I want to have great relationships. But when that doesn't happen... as inevitably it will not at some point.... I am more forgiving towards myself. When family members let me down or when I don't react to them in a "therapeutic" way, that's only because we are human. Once my step-mother told me that she thought I shouldn't even be a counselor because I had a bad argument with another family member. I did not take the "high road" but let my anger carry me away. But, she is wrong! I am not a counselor to my family. I am intricately, emotionally and physically connected to family in a way that is not present in my counseling relationships. There is no way that I can be un-biased. It is ridiculous to expect me to stay "in character" during a family argument. I am ok with her assumption that I should somehow be better because I know that being myself, being human, is the best that I can be. I can work on improvement but in the end, I am just me. Flaws and all! 

Be yourself and reflect on the times in your life when you have felt let down by others. Learn to take challenging times as learning opportunities.... even if the lesson is just to be more compassionate... to others... to yourself.

Blessed Be